Today we got to take our family pictures with my entire family. We have been planning these for a year and things happened where we had to reschedule. So happy we finally got them done and that a great person and friend took them for us. She did wonderful, props to Shauna Lynn Photography!!! Maybe I'll post a few of them on here later. Can wait to see how they all turned out, I got to see a little preview and and very excited about the rest.
Short update on the adoption: We are still rocking through the training classes this is week 4 (half way through!) They are really great, a lot of learning about parenting styles, child development and attachment so far. We have basically finished all the paper work but we are waiting for some things to come back that take time, such as fingerprints, pysch evals, and physicals. We will hopefully be able to start the home study in Jan or Feb.
Hope everyone is having a wonderful holiday season!
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
For our family
We are in our training classes right now and they are amazing. But I wanted to post this because these are some of the things that we were told to educate and prepare our family for.
Positive adoption language
It is super important to use positive adoption language when approaching an adoption situation. Here are some of the examples from our training...
Real parents vs birthparents
natural parent vs biological parents
unwed parent vs single parent
real child vs birth child
put up for adoption vs make an adoption plan
give up vs choose adoption
keep a child vs parent a child
I feel like these are pretty self explanatory. The word I feel like needs to be most careful using is "real." We will be our child's real parents. Whatever other children we are blessed with will be our child's real siblings. Our child will have birth parents and may have biological siblings.
Attachment Parenting
We have also been coached to prepare our family for attachment parenting. Regardless of what age our child is when we get it, we will have already missed the first year of its life and the bonding that occurs during that time period. So for the first several weeks we will be facilitating bonding. In our classes they suggest we be the only ones to meet our babies needs, such as feeding, diapering, and comforting, until the child/baby has bonded with us, we then will introduce other care givers. Just wanted to give a heads up of what attachment parenting is.
Sorry this sound so business like.... wish i could figure out how to make it more fun hehe. But these are important things for everyone to know and be prepared for.
Positive adoption language
It is super important to use positive adoption language when approaching an adoption situation. Here are some of the examples from our training...
Real parents vs birthparents
natural parent vs biological parents
unwed parent vs single parent
real child vs birth child
put up for adoption vs make an adoption plan
give up vs choose adoption
keep a child vs parent a child
I feel like these are pretty self explanatory. The word I feel like needs to be most careful using is "real." We will be our child's real parents. Whatever other children we are blessed with will be our child's real siblings. Our child will have birth parents and may have biological siblings.
Attachment Parenting
We have also been coached to prepare our family for attachment parenting. Regardless of what age our child is when we get it, we will have already missed the first year of its life and the bonding that occurs during that time period. So for the first several weeks we will be facilitating bonding. In our classes they suggest we be the only ones to meet our babies needs, such as feeding, diapering, and comforting, until the child/baby has bonded with us, we then will introduce other care givers. Just wanted to give a heads up of what attachment parenting is.
Sorry this sound so business like.... wish i could figure out how to make it more fun hehe. But these are important things for everyone to know and be prepared for.
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Common adoption questions
I thought I would put up some common questions I get asked when I tell people that we are adopting... warning this is long, sort of turned into adoption education which equals the longest post ever.
1. Are you not able to have kids of your own?... this or some version such as Can you not get pregnant, do you have fertility problems, is probably the most common question i get.
3. Why adoption instead of pursuing fertility? I don't actually get this question often, but I know people wonder by some of the questions they ask, frankly I would too, so I'll answer.
4. What fertility treatments have you done or tried? or Have you thought about trying______(fill in the blank)
5. Are you adopting from here or somewhere else?
6. Are you using an agency?
7. How old will the child be when you get it?
8. How long do you have to wait?
9. How does your family feel about it?
10. What are you open to?
11. Aren't you scared of the birthparents taking the child back?
12. Isn't that expensive? How much does it cost? Is that more or less than in vitro?
My answers:
1. The simple answer= we don't know. The more complex answer... We have been trying unsuccessfully. Yes I can get pregnant. We have one known fertility problem. No doctor has ever told us we can't have kids. We have not done a complete infertility work up. There may be more issues we are unaware of.
2. about 2 years
3. So why adoption, about a year after unsuccessful baby making haha, I began researching adoption not knowing(and i still dont) if we could have children on our own. I absolutely fell in love with adoption, so much so that in my head if everyone researched it, they would too. I know that's not true, I know its not for everyone, it's just hard for me to imagine people not feeling the same way since I felt so strongly. Often it is called "a calling to adopt." I definitely had that right away. I told J that regardless of if we have kids of our own or not, I want to adopt. And we have been talking about it off on ever since even while trying to conceive. I guess because of "the calling" that is why instead of fertility treatments for now.
4. We have not done any fertility treatments. For the second part of that, if it is something I thought could help, I have thought about it. Most commonly people ask about IVF(in vitro fertilization) and yes we have done research, thought about it and talked about it. I go back and forth on IVF all the time, we have not shut it out completely, but we have for this point in our life. In the future who knows.
5. We chose domestic adoption. Maybe in the future we will do international, again who knows.
6. Yes we chose to use an agency, frankly we need the guidance and support. Some people choose to use an attorney, right now there are certain risks with that I not willing to do. Some people foster to adopt and that brings many different issues into view as well.
7. Most likely we will be getting a newborn. On occasion we will get up to a toddler or so, but that would be unique. As we have chosen to use an agency and not foster care, the birthparents of the child come to the agency. If the child is taken away from parents it would be in foster system and that is why it would be extremely rare to get a older child that a birthparent has parented first and then decides to no longer do so.
8. Again since we chose domestic adoption there is no straight forward answer, because there is no wait list. The birth parents pick an adoptive family to parent their child. They pick for all kinds of reasons, it can be something very profound or something as simple as i liked the picture of their dog. You never know why a birthparent will choose. So main thing, besides the birthmother's choice, is how open you are. They agency we use gives average wait times. for a healthy white infant= 18-36months. for special needs= 6months. the agency states anything but a healthy white infant is special needs. (And by the way it takes about 6months to get the paperwork and homestudy complete to become waiting)
9. As most of the people that read this are my family, i better watch what i say haha. But honestly, We have amazing families. They are all very supportive. To some family members this is still kinda new, and they just have not had the opportunity to think about it much, but I have no doubt everyone will be amazing.
10. Such a broad question. I can tell you what we put on our application but honestly we will probably change our minds on some things and we are free to do that at any point. But in general we are pretty open to a variety of situations. Feel free to ask me more specific questions if you want.
11. Yes but let me explain. Statistically we will have at least one failed adoption- terrified of when this time comes. As far as a birthparent taking away the child- its not our child until all their rights have been terminated, but once terminated birth parents have no rights. Adoption is state law, in TN the birth mother can sign the TPR (termination of parental rights) 72hrs after birth, she then has 10 days to change her mind. The father can do the same thing, or even sign the TPR prior to birth. Most failed adoptions happen in the hospital after birth(mom changes her mind) So did she take the child back? No it was never my child. It was a possible opportunity for us. yes it will still hurt if we are matched and then the mother decides to parent. According to my agency, most birth parents change their mind while in the hospital if they are going to. as an adoptive parent, you can choose interim care for the baby(meaning it would stay with a family our agency works with, not foster care) until rights are terminated or you can take the baby home, knowing it is still not officially yours. and FYI usually u are matched with a birthmom around 7-8months of the pregnancy and also we are open to traveling and each state has different laws.
12. Yes its expensive. Our agency is non-profit and uses a sliding scale based on the average of your last three tax returns. You will pay anywhere from $14,000 to $27,000. It is more than IVF, however if you are willing to wait you are guaranteed to get a child. IVF has a 40% success rate of you getting pregnant, and you run the risk of paying for multiple cycles, so it could potentially even out or cost more, you never know.
Wow so long. But if anyone has any other questions feel free to jump in. I'm pretty open about everything.
1. Are you not able to have kids of your own?... this or some version such as Can you not get pregnant, do you have fertility problems, is probably the most common question i get.
2. How long have you been trying to have kids?
3. Why adoption instead of pursuing fertility? I don't actually get this question often, but I know people wonder by some of the questions they ask, frankly I would too, so I'll answer.
4. What fertility treatments have you done or tried? or Have you thought about trying______(fill in the blank)
5. Are you adopting from here or somewhere else?
6. Are you using an agency?
7. How old will the child be when you get it?
8. How long do you have to wait?
9. How does your family feel about it?
10. What are you open to?
11. Aren't you scared of the birthparents taking the child back?
12. Isn't that expensive? How much does it cost? Is that more or less than in vitro?
My answers:
1. The simple answer= we don't know. The more complex answer... We have been trying unsuccessfully. Yes I can get pregnant. We have one known fertility problem. No doctor has ever told us we can't have kids. We have not done a complete infertility work up. There may be more issues we are unaware of.
2. about 2 years
3. So why adoption, about a year after unsuccessful baby making haha, I began researching adoption not knowing(and i still dont) if we could have children on our own. I absolutely fell in love with adoption, so much so that in my head if everyone researched it, they would too. I know that's not true, I know its not for everyone, it's just hard for me to imagine people not feeling the same way since I felt so strongly. Often it is called "a calling to adopt." I definitely had that right away. I told J that regardless of if we have kids of our own or not, I want to adopt. And we have been talking about it off on ever since even while trying to conceive. I guess because of "the calling" that is why instead of fertility treatments for now.
4. We have not done any fertility treatments. For the second part of that, if it is something I thought could help, I have thought about it. Most commonly people ask about IVF(in vitro fertilization) and yes we have done research, thought about it and talked about it. I go back and forth on IVF all the time, we have not shut it out completely, but we have for this point in our life. In the future who knows.
5. We chose domestic adoption. Maybe in the future we will do international, again who knows.
6. Yes we chose to use an agency, frankly we need the guidance and support. Some people choose to use an attorney, right now there are certain risks with that I not willing to do. Some people foster to adopt and that brings many different issues into view as well.
7. Most likely we will be getting a newborn. On occasion we will get up to a toddler or so, but that would be unique. As we have chosen to use an agency and not foster care, the birthparents of the child come to the agency. If the child is taken away from parents it would be in foster system and that is why it would be extremely rare to get a older child that a birthparent has parented first and then decides to no longer do so.
8. Again since we chose domestic adoption there is no straight forward answer, because there is no wait list. The birth parents pick an adoptive family to parent their child. They pick for all kinds of reasons, it can be something very profound or something as simple as i liked the picture of their dog. You never know why a birthparent will choose. So main thing, besides the birthmother's choice, is how open you are. They agency we use gives average wait times. for a healthy white infant= 18-36months. for special needs= 6months. the agency states anything but a healthy white infant is special needs. (And by the way it takes about 6months to get the paperwork and homestudy complete to become waiting)
9. As most of the people that read this are my family, i better watch what i say haha. But honestly, We have amazing families. They are all very supportive. To some family members this is still kinda new, and they just have not had the opportunity to think about it much, but I have no doubt everyone will be amazing.
10. Such a broad question. I can tell you what we put on our application but honestly we will probably change our minds on some things and we are free to do that at any point. But in general we are pretty open to a variety of situations. Feel free to ask me more specific questions if you want.
11. Yes but let me explain. Statistically we will have at least one failed adoption- terrified of when this time comes. As far as a birthparent taking away the child- its not our child until all their rights have been terminated, but once terminated birth parents have no rights. Adoption is state law, in TN the birth mother can sign the TPR (termination of parental rights) 72hrs after birth, she then has 10 days to change her mind. The father can do the same thing, or even sign the TPR prior to birth. Most failed adoptions happen in the hospital after birth(mom changes her mind) So did she take the child back? No it was never my child. It was a possible opportunity for us. yes it will still hurt if we are matched and then the mother decides to parent. According to my agency, most birth parents change their mind while in the hospital if they are going to. as an adoptive parent, you can choose interim care for the baby(meaning it would stay with a family our agency works with, not foster care) until rights are terminated or you can take the baby home, knowing it is still not officially yours. and FYI usually u are matched with a birthmom around 7-8months of the pregnancy and also we are open to traveling and each state has different laws.
12. Yes its expensive. Our agency is non-profit and uses a sliding scale based on the average of your last three tax returns. You will pay anywhere from $14,000 to $27,000. It is more than IVF, however if you are willing to wait you are guaranteed to get a child. IVF has a 40% success rate of you getting pregnant, and you run the risk of paying for multiple cycles, so it could potentially even out or cost more, you never know.
Wow so long. But if anyone has any other questions feel free to jump in. I'm pretty open about everything.
Friday, November 4, 2011
the great paper chase
So we are officially rolling with our adoption process. Oh yes it is a process. The agency estimates it will take 4-6 months before we will be "waiting" parents. Well one month down, about 5 to go. So far we have filled out two applications, been to one information meeting. Signed and filled out different small forms. Turned in eight references, some of which have already had to do their part. Today we went to our orientation meeting and got our main paperwork (our very very large and intimidating application.... see pictures below). And next week we start our classes... eight weeks of them, including a variety of information, reading requirements, and questionnaires. After completing the training classes and the all the paperwork including physicals, pysch evals, fingerprinting, etc. We can begin our home study. It is all so exciting and scary at the same time. I'm so excited to be moving forward and so ready to become parents. But I am so scared about the process, and not being picked.
"Faith in God includes faith in His timing"- seemed like the perfect quote for this process.
Here is a picture of the very large packet we got today...
"Faith in God includes faith in His timing"- seemed like the perfect quote for this process.
Here is a picture of the very large packet we got today...
and here is me trying to get it all organized absolutely love post its :)....
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