The first visit

Many people have been asking me how it went. Well it went ok. I would feel better about it if I hadn't been so nervous. Hate myself for that, because I didn't talk as much as I should. She even told us we were being too quiet. I find comfort in the fact that I have three more visits to show her who I am. And I am forcing myself not to be nervous, and just treat it like I am talking to a friend. Hopefully I will feel better about it. I did tell her that this is the part of the process that makes me the most nervous, and she then understood why I wasn't talking much. But anyhow, next up is the individual interviews, which will take three hours combined. We do not have it scheduled yet but are hoping to have it in a couple of weeks. Ill update soon!

Moving forward

It is here.... The home study. Next thursday will be our first interview, and apparently one where they will come to our home and it will take two hours. Eek! I've been trying to make lists of everything that needs to be done and I don't even know where to start. I mean have we really lived her 3 and 1/2 years, because it is still not put together!!! I am worried about our crazy dogs the most and hope that bones will last long enough to entertain them, but fairly positive they won't distract them from the fact we have a guest, and nothing could be more exciting to them. Please pray for us as this is the last and to me biggest step to becoming waiting parents.




Life moves forward without Mamaw, sometimes it's surreal, sometimes it's sad, and sometimes it's happy. We have to keep going moving on and doing what was meant for us even if it feels like part of us is missing. Kids are so perfect, and I only wish we could think like they do. They may not completely understand death, but a quote from my five year old nephew "We don't have go be sad, Mamaw is happy in Heaven." So simple, so true. We can appreciate how happy she is and move past our own sadness. I now have a new goal in my life, I should have had such a long time ago, but my new goal is to be as much like her as possible. She impacted so many people in a positive way and I hope I can do that with just 1/10 of the people she did. It was absolutely amazing to see the response we have had, truly indescribable. I am so lucky to have had a living example that was so close to me.

My Mamaw

Last night at 10:30pm God and Jesus decided that it was time for my Mamaw to come and live with them. I am so happy for her that she will be able to walk with God, talk with God, be in the only perfect place and not feel the suffering of this life. But I will miss her more than words can explain. I love her so much!!! We had absolutely beautiful moments today. We all surrounded her in her home and did our best to make her as comfortable as possible with the help of amazing nurses from hospice. I will always remember the moment that her husband, her daughters, and every one of her grandchildren stood at her bed with our hands on her, telling her we loved her. She was ready to leave this world, and over the past few days she told us so. Cancer is such a mean disease and I am so glad she did not have to live with it long. She was diagnosed less than a month ago. She left us very peacefully and as comfortable as possible.

I have been planning on writing letters to our baby during our wait to help me cope with it, and to show my baby our side of their special story. I have started different ones but never posted any on here. I decided tonight will be the first short letter to our baby.....

Dear Baby,

Today was a sad day for us. Your great grandmother went to Heaven today. You would have called her Mamaw as all our family does. She was the most wonderful woman. She was beautiful inside and out and touched so many peoples lives. I only hope that I can be half the women she was because I know that would mean I will be a good mother to you. She was a faithful Christian. Mamaw was so devoted to all her family, and I pray I can show you just a piece of how she was, with my life. I don't want you to be sad that you didn't get to meet her. I have been mourning that for you already. Every year that has gone by without you in my arms, I mourned a little more, knowing the two of you may not meet. I have mourned and grieved this for several years and finally came to accept it just in the last three to six months. Im sorry that you did not get to see her or be with her in this life, but I will pray that you will one day meet her in Heaven. 

I love you so much already,

Mom