Happy Days!!!

I have a new nephew! He is almost 3 weeks old now. Man, I just love babies!!! He is precious. He is my third nephew, here are some pictures of the three of them.

                       They are all so sweet, and I'm so happy

On a lighter, but still happy note, I got a new camera. I am very excited about it and hope to be taking post worthy pictures sometime soon ;).

a different kind of prayer

as a child we are taught how to pray.. you start with Dear God you end with In Jesus name,  Amen. you say things like.." God is great God is good let us thank Him for our Food."
or sing-"God of father, God our Father, once again, once again, we bow our heads and thank you, we bow our heads and thank you, Jesus name amen,  Jesus name amen."
 when you get a little older you are taught to thank Him for your blessings, pray for the sick, pray for the poor and those in need.  i quickly took what i was taught and did my best to pray how i thought i was suppose to. with the recent problems and struggles in my life, i have definitely thrown out those teachings. i developed a different kind of prayer. i dont talk to God as much as i should. i don't say all the right things.  i say what i'm thinking like i would to any friend, or anyone close to me. He knows what i'm thinking anyways why not say it. i'm suppose to have a close relationship with Him so i feel like i should be able to talk to him from my heart. i have told Him several times i'm mad at Him. i've told Him He is not being fair. how could He give me such a strong desire to the point it feels like a need and not fulfill it. let me say i know this is probably going to come off as harsh, ungrateful and disrespectful.and by saying this i dont mean to offend anyone. everyones relationship with God should be there own, and you should pray the way you feel is right. but for me right now, this is the only type of prayer i can manage.


How ironic that Sunday night at church the preacher talked about prayer. I had already started this blog and then that is what the sermon happened to be about. The preacher's 1st point was God hears our prayer,  I believe this and never thought otherwise. The 2nd point was God delivers us which I also believe, I think that is where my anger comes from. The fact that I know He could help is what makes me frustrated.  One scripture that stuck out to me during the lesson...


Romans 8:25-27 But if we hope for what we do not see, we eagerly wait for it with perseverance. Likewise the Spirit also helps in our weaknesses. For we do not know what we should pray for as we ought, but the Spirit Himself makes intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered. Now He who searches the hearts knows what the mind of the Spirit is, because He makes intercession for the saints according to the will of God. 

realizing your place

realizing my place in the world was not a good day for me. its realizing what you want doesn't matter. it just doesn't. i know that sounds incredibly depressing, however i believe it to be true. because no matter what i want or how bad i want it it's not up to me. it's not my decision. i can't will anything to happen. as much as we want to be and act like we are in control, we aren't and never will be. coming to terms with this is utterly humbling. sometimes i think- is God sure this is right, sometimes i ask Him- are you sure. i feel like it is so wrong. but He decides. even if it's not my decisions and feels like punishment. this is one of the struggles with Christianity i am facing right now. this is a big hurdle. i know i need to be submissive and just give in to His plan, but i struggle with it. i want my ideas and my plans to be the right ones because of course i think i am right. i realize that whether i'm submissive or not really doesn't matter, He is still in control. I just have trouble letting go and giving in. sometimes i feel like i'm fighting Him, like we are working against each other. I really need to find the strength to let go and give to God
i think everyone goes through this at some point or another, but maybe not. you don't really hear people talking about it. but i do wonder if every Christian has struggled with this issue or will in the future. its seems no matter the subject or desire as a Christian you could have this struggle

The options...

Immediately after learning our problem, I wanted to know statistics for everything: having a child naturally, chances of an abnormal child, what would be wrong with the child. The genetic counselor couldn't give me the answers as exactly as I wanted them. She instead said she would send our information to a genetic counselor in NYC that specializes in statistics and get back with me. 

I'm a logical person and looking at our odds I was figuring a 50/50 chance of naturally having a healthy pregnancy. Meaning 50% of the time I would miscarry or have an abnormal child. I did not like the odds I was laying out for myself, but I am not a geneticist. After a week or so wait she called to give me actual statistics, she had received from the NYC geneticist. It was said we have a 60ish% chance of conceiving naturally. And only a 1% chance of carrying an abnormal pregnancy to term and still no answers as to what would be wrong with the child. They believe I will miscarry almost every time if the baby is abnormal. So the four options they gave us are:
1) Naturally--which just means we keep trying and we are bound to have multiple miscarriages along the way.
2) egg/sperm donation- to eliminate the chromosome translocation.- neither of us like this idea, we think our babies should be both ours or neither our ours, and we eliminated this option immediately.
3) IVF(in vitro fertilization)- this would benefit us because they would perform PGD(preimplantation genetic diagnosis) on our embryos before implanting, and only implant the embryos with normal chromosomes.
4)Adoption
I  will discuss IVF and adoption more in depth later.