what to say, what to say

I feel when poor innocent people ask me a simple question, such as "do you want kids?" They open a whole can of worms and a long conversation they didn't know they were in for. I'm very honest and mostly completely open about my situation and if people ask, I answer. So this is for anyone who has ever asked me, or someone else in a similar situation and found themselves lost as to what to say.
I don't expect you to say anything. I definitely don't expect you to know what to say, and that is perfectly ok. If you don't know what to say, don't just say the first thing you think, silence is not the enemy here. Let me say that all of these things have not been said to me but I have visited this issue often and feel it is an issue for many women going through infertility or miscarriage, and this is the advice I do give....
1)don't try to justify it or downplay it.
Examples: you are still young, you have plenty of time, at least you don't have any trouble getting pregnant, enjoy your time without children, once you have children you are trapped, you can go out or go on vacation whenever you want, etc.
2) don't deny it was a baby= no matter how long someone was pregnant it was there baby, even if they only knew about it for a day or a few hours
3) don't say the reasons you have made up for the situation....
Examples: it's just not your time, now you have time to do _____,

Some of these suggestions may not make any sense to you, but when the only thing you want, dream of and desire for is to have a child, no justification or positive spin on the situation is comforting, and can feel like your dream is being pushed aside, or not taken seriously.

so what to say.....
Say something simple and from the heart: "I'm sorry you are going through this." " I'm sorry you are in this situation. "
And if you are brave you can say.. "If you ever want to talk about it I'm here"... but know if you can handle what's coming if they choose to talk to you, emotions will be strong.

The results

Here is the problem we are dealing with.... It's called chromosomal translocation.
After the D&C,  I was called in to hear the results from my RE. She was happy, she said we had done everything we possibly could for the pregnancy and it was nothing we missed or could have done. She reported to me that the baby had a chromosome abnormality. She then informed me he was a boy. I felt myself smile. I know that sounds strange but it was the fact that the week before I lost him I told J I thought it was a boy. I don't know why I felt that way and I didn't have any feelings with the two previous babies. However knowing that I have some kind of motherly instinct gave me great comfort and even pleasure. The RE then suggested that J and I be tested for any genetic abnormalities. I knew that chromosomal anomalies is what the majority of early miscarriages are attributed to, and did not expect either of us to have a problem with this. A week later we in the genetic counselor's office getting the results of the testing. She informed us one of us has a chromosomal translocation, and begin to explain what that meant. I honestly was extremely surprised by this, out of all the possibilities I had thought could be the cause of our problem this was not it. She explained that many couples choose not to know who the carrier is so that no one is blamed. We both knew this was no ones fault and did choose to learn who the carrier is, because to some extent it can effect the options you have.
As basic as I can explain translocation, it is where the person has the correct number of chromosomes, they are just not in the correct place. If you are interested in more information there are a ton of websites that discuss it and ours is balanced. This doesn't mean we can't have children, it just means it will be more of a challenge for us.

my thoughts in words..

I have a fellow friend going through fertility issues as well. She was the first person I felt comfortable enough to show my blog to, and one I talk to frequently. Anything I've felt or thought, she has to, and it is great to have someone like this to share with. I was trying to figure out why I started my blog and why I choose to write about such personal things. I felt like it was the only thing for me to write about, yet didn't have the guts to show anyone. I feel like it takes a lot of courage to share everything because it makes you very vulnerable. She summed up a lot of my reasons when she said:

"I dont need or want your sympathy, I just want you to understand"

This is such a true statement. And as much as I want to share this with people who are close to me, I have not found the courage yet. I have slowly been letting people in one at a time, and every time it gets a bit easier.

and it keeps coming...

I work nights, so I sleep during the day. Tuesday March 15th around 230pm I was aroused by my phone ringing. I looked and saw it was my mom and thought "I'm not ready to get up I'll call her back." As soon as it stopped ringing it started again, immediately my heart began to race, she never calls back to back. I answer to hear my mother, in a fairly calm voice telling me my grandmother had been in a wreck and was on the way to the hospital. I just said which one, she answered and I said I'm coming. I jump out of bed and immediately the worst thoughts come to my head, I could feel the adrenaline in my body and felt like I needed to get there as soon as possible. My thoughts only turned worse when my mom called back to say she was going to a different hospital. This let me know she was a level one trauma. I got to the hospital to find my entire family already in the waiting room of the ED. I was told we weren't allowed to see her because she was going straight to surgery. I didn't know what was wrong at this time. I learned that her major injury was her right leg and they were doing scans to see if there was internal injuries that needed to be addressed. They allowed us to visit two at a time. When I went back her leg was exposed as the doctors were looking at it and placing a new dressing. I don't want to describe it on here I'll simple state it was bad. Shortly we were told all her scans came back ok and they said "there are no life threatening injuries." The following two days she had two surgeries. The first was to have a rod placed from her knee to her ankle. The second was plastic surgery who did a flap and a skin graft to replace missing tissue. We are so blessed to still have her with us. You would be amazed if u saw her van that anyone had survived. (I will try to post pictures.) She was almost home when she tried to dodge a dog in the road and lost control. She hit a guardrail. The guardrail came in through the headlight on her side and went out the back passenger window. It had barely turned in time to miss her. It took nearly an hr to cut her out of the car.

Want to be amazingly disappointed?!? She was alert after the wreck, she saw the car was smoking and knew she was trapped. She sat there believing her car was going to catch fire and she would not be able to do anything. As these thoughts are going through her head she watched as not one but two cars drove by without stopping to help. I am constantly amazed by people in the worst ways.

As I write this I'm taking my turn staying the night with her. She is doing fairly well, it has been one week exactly. Of course she is in pain. But this morning the doctors came around to say that physical therapy would try to get her up today. This is the 1st time since the wreck, because plastic surgery just released her to do so yesterday. The dr also stated that she possibly may be able to go home tomorrow depending on how today goes.

I know I have an amazing family, but at times like this you can really see how true it is. For a week straight, my grandmother has never been alone. I absolutely love my family.

BB

BB stands for a baby boy. Our third baby was a boy. A few months after we lost bean and after much discussion we decided to undergo fertility testing. The appt. was set for 8/12/10. On July 30th 2010 we got our third BFP. I was happy, but instantly regretted not waiting until after we had done testing. I called the reproductive endocrinologist(RE) and right away she started blood work and moved the dr appt up to that week. The RE was wonderful and started following me very close and testing me for things that could cause early losses. I was 1st diagnosed with hypothyroidism. I was not happy about taking medicine the rest of my life, but thought maybe this is the problem and I'll get to keep this baby. Since I wanted to believe that was the only issue I started having guilt for not finding out earlier because maybe it would have prevented me from having lost peanut and bean. Anyhow, I started taking my meds and was feeling good about this pregnancy. I had my 1st ultrasound at 5 wks and saw what was expected, not much. I went for my 2nd ultrasound at around 6 weeks, I could not have been more nervous, and for the first and only time I saw a heartbeat. It was a perfect little flicker on the screen. I felt immediate relief at that moment but only hours later the anxiety came back. I knew that peanut probably had a heartbeat at some point. I just had not seen it. We waited a little less than two weeks for the next ultrasound. At this point I had lost the confidence and hope I had in the pregnancy. I don't know how but there were two things I felt like I knew one it was a boy and two I had lost him. I told J these two feelings I had, and have never been more sad about being right. Again the ultrasound room proved to be a terrifying and unforgettable experience as I stared at the screen looking for a heartbeat that was there just two weeks before. It had stopped not long after I had gotten to see it based on the size of BB. The RE talked me into a D&C for further testing, even though it wasn't what I wanted, I was willing to try anything for answers. So on 9/2/10 baby boy was taken from my body.

Bean

Bean. After peanut, there was nothing more I desired than to have a baby I could hold and kiss and carry in my arms. I decided it was time to start really learning my body and I began fertility charting to figure out when I ovulate. I didn't want to be forcing anything, I just felt like this was knowledge I should have as a woman. And only a few months after loosing peanut, we got our 2nd BFP on 3/17/10. This pregnancy while exciting, mostly just brought fear. To be honest I don't recall much about bean. I only knew he exsisted 10 days before I lost him at 6wks. This was quite a different experience from peanut. I began bleeding at home  and knew instantly bean was gone. I wanted to be wrong so I called the dr and was asked to come in for an U/S. I still had some hope as we were walking in the building until I went to the bathroom and lost what little hope I had. They did proceed with the ultrasound even though I knew it was a lost cause. This U/S the tech turned the screen so I couldn't see it. I doubt I would have been able to see through my watery eyes, but I often wonder what it looked like. I laid there with J standing beside me trying to comfort me for several minutes. I swear time stands still in U/S rooms. The tech hadn't said a word but finally said I'll be right back. So I got up and put my clothes back on the tech came back in with a dr. The dr wanted to look. She and the tech stood staring at the screen pointing and whispering, to this day I wonder what they were discussing, what they saw. After they felt like they had seen every inch the dr said something along the lines of... there is a lot of movement we will have to wait and see. Even though this is how she said it I did not get any hope, there was no waiting and seeing for me, I knew my 2nd baby was gone.

the unknown mom

For those of you that don't know, I am a mom. I have three beautiful angel babies out there that I never got to meet. They lived in me for a short period of time, and I enjoyed the time I had with them as short and as worrisome as it may have been.  My babies do not have names. It just never felt right to us to name them. I will refer to them as peanut, bean and bb. Here is the story of our 1st baby:

Peanut was conceived while we were not actively trying but not preventing.  When I woke up Christmas morning '09 to a BFP(big fat positive), I thought we were getting the best Christmas present anyone could ever ask for. I opted not to tell anyone and got J to agree because I was scared of losing it. I finally made it to 8wks and was completely scared and excited to go in for an ultrasound and the 1st dr appt.  I had not talked to J about what was expected at this ultrasound or appt., I feel like I just had too many thoughts going on in my head, but I completely regret this now. After a short wait I was in a gown and ready for the ultrasound. The tech began, and I couldn't take my eyes off the screen. I was waiting and searching for the heartbeat I so desired to see, but it wasn't there. I thought maybe just maybe I just don't know what I'm looking at. I glanced at the tech's face and saw it in her eyes, I did know what I was looking at. I was looking at a small baby whose heart was no longer beating. My eyes starting tearing and I couldn't bare looking at J. He had stepped back and sat down on a bench in the corner of the room. Later he told me he didn't know what was wrong but he knew based on both the tech and my faces that it was not good. After what seemed like the longest seconds of my life the tech simply stated "I'm not seeing a heartbeat." At which point I nodded to let her know I understood and began sobbing. I wanted to end the pregnancy naturally, but peanut dug in deep. Two weeks later, I unfortunately had to induce using medication because we were going out of the country. You wouldn't think that inducing so early could create as much physical pain as I felt emotionally, but it did. I had constant cramps/contractions for 4-6hrs. I know eight weeks is a short time, but for those eight weeks not 10minutes passed by without me thinking about my baby. That will always be my 1st baby, and I cherish the time I did get.
 

1st blog ever!!!

This is my 1st blog, my 1st attempt at writing, 1st everything. Please bare with me. I am starting to blog for me to release thoughts and don't expect anyone to read it. But just in case someone is, here is a little starting point of info about me:
Im in my 20s. 
I have been married to my husband, J for 3.5yrs. 
I am a nurse.
 J is a police officer. We met in high school. 
We have two furr babies, a bulldog named Deuce and a Boxer named Layla. I am sure they will create and appear in some blogs.
 I have an AMAZING family (mine and J's), and could not ask for more. 
We have hit a few bumps in the road of life lately, dealing with some fertility issues.
 I do believe in God. 
About six months ago I made a big change in jobs and it was scary, but proving to be a great decision. 
I suppose this is enough of an intro, the next post will be more in depth.