the unknown mom

For those of you that don't know, I am a mom. I have three beautiful angel babies out there that I never got to meet. They lived in me for a short period of time, and I enjoyed the time I had with them as short and as worrisome as it may have been.  My babies do not have names. It just never felt right to us to name them. I will refer to them as peanut, bean and bb. Here is the story of our 1st baby:

Peanut was conceived while we were not actively trying but not preventing.  When I woke up Christmas morning '09 to a BFP(big fat positive), I thought we were getting the best Christmas present anyone could ever ask for. I opted not to tell anyone and got J to agree because I was scared of losing it. I finally made it to 8wks and was completely scared and excited to go in for an ultrasound and the 1st dr appt.  I had not talked to J about what was expected at this ultrasound or appt., I feel like I just had too many thoughts going on in my head, but I completely regret this now. After a short wait I was in a gown and ready for the ultrasound. The tech began, and I couldn't take my eyes off the screen. I was waiting and searching for the heartbeat I so desired to see, but it wasn't there. I thought maybe just maybe I just don't know what I'm looking at. I glanced at the tech's face and saw it in her eyes, I did know what I was looking at. I was looking at a small baby whose heart was no longer beating. My eyes starting tearing and I couldn't bare looking at J. He had stepped back and sat down on a bench in the corner of the room. Later he told me he didn't know what was wrong but he knew based on both the tech and my faces that it was not good. After what seemed like the longest seconds of my life the tech simply stated "I'm not seeing a heartbeat." At which point I nodded to let her know I understood and began sobbing. I wanted to end the pregnancy naturally, but peanut dug in deep. Two weeks later, I unfortunately had to induce using medication because we were going out of the country. You wouldn't think that inducing so early could create as much physical pain as I felt emotionally, but it did. I had constant cramps/contractions for 4-6hrs. I know eight weeks is a short time, but for those eight weeks not 10minutes passed by without me thinking about my baby. That will always be my 1st baby, and I cherish the time I did get.