Bean

Bean. After peanut, there was nothing more I desired than to have a baby I could hold and kiss and carry in my arms. I decided it was time to start really learning my body and I began fertility charting to figure out when I ovulate. I didn't want to be forcing anything, I just felt like this was knowledge I should have as a woman. And only a few months after loosing peanut, we got our 2nd BFP on 3/17/10. This pregnancy while exciting, mostly just brought fear. To be honest I don't recall much about bean. I only knew he exsisted 10 days before I lost him at 6wks. This was quite a different experience from peanut. I began bleeding at home  and knew instantly bean was gone. I wanted to be wrong so I called the dr and was asked to come in for an U/S. I still had some hope as we were walking in the building until I went to the bathroom and lost what little hope I had. They did proceed with the ultrasound even though I knew it was a lost cause. This U/S the tech turned the screen so I couldn't see it. I doubt I would have been able to see through my watery eyes, but I often wonder what it looked like. I laid there with J standing beside me trying to comfort me for several minutes. I swear time stands still in U/S rooms. The tech hadn't said a word but finally said I'll be right back. So I got up and put my clothes back on the tech came back in with a dr. The dr wanted to look. She and the tech stood staring at the screen pointing and whispering, to this day I wonder what they were discussing, what they saw. After they felt like they had seen every inch the dr said something along the lines of... there is a lot of movement we will have to wait and see. Even though this is how she said it I did not get any hope, there was no waiting and seeing for me, I knew my 2nd baby was gone.