Ups and downs

MAMAW:
Mamaw has chosen to try chemo. She had her first round Thursday. She will recieve a round every three weeks. We have been told the side effects will not show themselves until a few days after the treatment. She is still unable to eat anything and is recieving all her nutrition IV. We believe she will be able to come home soon, but has an infection we just found out about and we are unsure if this is going to affect her being able to come home, because she needs antibiotics. We hope she will be able to come home at the first of the week, I know she is ready to. Keep her in your thoughts and prayers please.


ADOPTION:
Today is one of those days where I was ready for a baby yesterday! On days like this, it's all I can think about. I get so excited about all the possibilites out there. I get excited about not having any idea what our baby will look like or who the amazing people are that will choose us to parent it.
We asked for baby stuff for Chirstmas and our parents were amazing and got us our crib bedding and a glider to help us get started. I am excited to begin decorating the nursery soon and to take my time doing so. I debated on if I wanted to wait to see what gender we will have or to choose gender neutral. I started looking at gender neutral stuff and found one I loved, so that made my decision easy (picture below). And besides I can spend months during our wait entertaining myself by decorating a nursery. I plan on trying to paint a mural... no I'm not crafty but I want to try and see how it goes.
I worry about the downs we will face along our journey. I worry about the failed placements and heart breaks we will experience, but I know that those situations are just not "our" baby, and we only want "our" baby not someone elses.  I worry about how we will handle the wait. I think I will be able handle it really well but then I'm sure I will start struggling at some point and have my days of being impatient.

sorry the pics are real blurry!!!

Home study

Got an email from the paper natzi... She said congrats we are ready to move on and start our homestudy. She said she will assign an adoption counselor and they will contact us in the next few days about when that will be. We have already been told they are in the process of hiring new social workers to complete the home studys so it maybe a couple of weeks before we can begin. But I am excited to be moving forward.
The home study is a series of four visits/interviews that take 4-6wks. We will have a couples interview, individual interviews, a home visit and a service plan meeting (which is where we discuss what kind of baby is for us). After all of that, the social worker will write a super long report about us, and that will determine if we will be approved or not. Hoping we pass this and will become waiting in March or April. We will also have to make a profile of ourselves for the birth parents to look through, this is how they pick the family that will parent their child.

update on Mamaw

Mamaw is still in the hospital. She had her exploratory surgery last Thursday which confirmed cancer. We are still unsure of where it originated. We got the pathology report back and it still isn't positive of the origin. Her doctor believes it to be ovarian. She has not been able to eat anything yet, and they are planning on placing a PICC line tom. for TPN. We are all scared she is not going to be able to make it home for Christmas. I really hope that she does.

Thank you to all of you that are praying for her and our family. It is very much appreciated.

Prayers

Please pray for my grandmother and my family today as she goes through her surgery to see what we are fighting. For those of u that don't know we are pretty positive it is cancer this is to see what type. This is going to be a very hard day for our family and she will need all the prayers we can get. I will try to keep u updated. We are all nervous and plain scared to see what the results of today are.

Yay for today

Today is a happy day, because we walked into our agency's office and turned in all of our paperwork! It's a big accomplishment haha. We officially finished every last requirement and form yesterday. So excited to being one step closer. Hopefully we will start our homestudy in the next few weeks.
Here is a couple of pictures of us with our very large envelope on the way to turn in it.

Fun day

Today we got to take our family pictures with my entire family. We have been planning these for a year and things happened where we had to reschedule. So happy we finally got them done and that a great person and friend took them for us. She did wonderful, props to Shauna Lynn Photography!!! Maybe I'll post a few of them on here later. Can wait to see how they all turned out, I got to see a little preview and and very excited about the rest.

Short update on the adoption: We are still rocking through the training classes this is week 4 (half way through!) They are really great, a lot of learning about parenting styles, child development and attachment so far. We have basically finished all the paper work but we are waiting for some things to come back that take time, such as fingerprints, pysch evals, and physicals. We will hopefully be able to start the home study in Jan or Feb.

Hope everyone is having a wonderful holiday season!

For our family

We are in our training classes right now and they are amazing. But I wanted to post this because these are some of the things that we were told to educate and prepare our family for.

Positive adoption language
It is super important to use positive adoption language when approaching an adoption situation. Here are some of the examples from our training...
Real parents vs birthparents
natural parent vs biological parents
unwed parent vs single parent
real child vs birth child
put up for adoption vs make an adoption plan
give up vs choose adoption
keep a child vs parent a child
I feel like these are pretty self explanatory. The word I feel like needs to be most careful using is "real." We will be our child's real parents. Whatever other children we are blessed with will be our child's real siblings. Our child will have birth parents and may have biological siblings.

Attachment Parenting
We have also been coached to prepare our family for attachment parenting. Regardless of what age our child is when we get it, we will have already missed the first year of its life and the bonding that occurs during that time period. So for the first several weeks we will be facilitating bonding. In our classes they suggest we be the only ones to meet our babies needs, such as feeding, diapering, and comforting, until the child/baby has bonded with us, we then will introduce other care givers. Just wanted to give a heads up of what attachment parenting is.

Sorry this sound so business like.... wish i could figure out how to make it more fun hehe. But these are important things for everyone to know and be prepared for.

Common adoption questions

I thought I would put up some common questions I get asked when I tell people that we are adopting...  warning this is long, sort of turned into adoption education which equals the longest post ever.

1. Are you not able to have kids of your own?... this or some version such as Can you not get pregnant, do you have fertility problems, is probably the most common question i get.

2. How long have you been trying to have kids?

3. Why adoption instead of pursuing fertility? I don't actually get this question often, but I know people wonder by some of the questions they ask, frankly I would too, so I'll answer.

4. What fertility treatments have you done or tried? or Have you thought about trying______(fill in the blank)

5. Are you adopting from here or somewhere else?

6. Are you using an agency?

7. How old will the child be when you get it?

8. How long do you have to wait?

9. How does your family feel about it?

10. What are you open to?

11. Aren't you scared of the birthparents taking the child back?

12. Isn't that expensive? How much does it cost? Is that more or less than in vitro?


My answers:
1. The simple answer= we don't know. The more complex answer... We have been trying unsuccessfully. Yes I can get pregnant. We have one known fertility problem. No doctor has ever told us we can't have kids. We have not done a complete infertility work up. There may be more issues we are unaware of.
2. about 2 years
3. So why adoption, about a year after unsuccessful baby making haha, I began researching adoption not knowing(and i still dont) if we could have children on our own. I absolutely fell in love with adoption, so much so that in my head if everyone researched it,  they would too. I know that's not true, I know its not for everyone, it's just hard for me to imagine people not feeling the same way since I felt so strongly. Often it is called "a calling to adopt." I  definitely had that right away. I told J that regardless of if we have kids of our own or not, I want to adopt. And we have been talking about it off on ever since even while trying to conceive. I guess because of "the calling" that is why instead of fertility treatments for now.
4. We have not done any fertility treatments. For the second part of that, if it is something I thought could help, I have thought about it. Most commonly people ask about IVF(in vitro fertilization) and yes we have done research, thought about it and talked about it. I go back and forth on IVF all the time, we have not shut it out completely, but we have for this point in our life. In the future who knows.
5. We chose domestic adoption. Maybe in the future we will do international, again who knows.
6. Yes we chose to use an agency, frankly we need the guidance and support. Some people choose to use an attorney, right now there are certain risks with that I not willing to do. Some people foster to adopt and that brings many different issues into view as well.
7. Most likely we will be getting a newborn. On occasion we will get up to a toddler or so, but that would be unique. As we have chosen to use an agency and not foster care, the birthparents of the child come to the agency. If the child is taken away from parents it would be in foster system and that is why it would be extremely rare to get a older child that a birthparent has parented first and then decides to no longer do so.
8. Again since we chose domestic adoption there is no straight forward answer, because there is no wait list. The birth parents pick an adoptive family to parent their child. They pick for all kinds of reasons, it can be something very profound or something as simple as i liked the picture of their dog. You never know why a birthparent will choose. So main thing, besides the birthmother's choice, is how open you are. They agency we use gives average wait times. for  a healthy white infant= 18-36months. for special needs= 6months. the agency states anything but a healthy white infant is special needs. (And by the way it takes about 6months  to get the paperwork and homestudy complete to become waiting)
9. As most of the people that read this are my family, i better watch what i say haha. But honestly, We have amazing families. They are all very supportive. To some family members this is still kinda new, and they just have not had the opportunity to think about it much, but I have no doubt everyone will be amazing.
10. Such a broad question. I can tell you what we put on our application but honestly we will probably change our minds on some things and we are free to do that at any point. But in general we are pretty open to a variety of situations. Feel free to ask me more specific questions if you want.
11. Yes but let me explain. Statistically we will have at least one failed adoption- terrified of when this time comes. As far as a birthparent taking away the child- its not our child until all their rights have been terminated, but once terminated birth parents have no rights. Adoption is state law, in TN the birth mother can sign the TPR (termination of parental rights) 72hrs after birth, she then has 10 days to change her mind. The father can do the same thing, or even sign the TPR prior to birth. Most failed adoptions happen in the hospital after birth(mom changes her mind) So did she take the child back? No it was never my child. It was a possible opportunity for us. yes it will still hurt if we are matched and then the mother decides to parent. According to my agency, most birth parents change their mind while in the hospital if they are going to. as an adoptive parent, you can choose interim care for the baby(meaning it would stay with a family our agency works with, not foster care) until rights are terminated or you can take the baby home, knowing it is still not officially yours.  and FYI usually u are matched with a birthmom around 7-8months of the pregnancy and also we are open to traveling and each state has different laws.
12. Yes its expensive. Our agency is non-profit and uses a sliding scale based on the average of your last three tax returns. You will pay anywhere from $14,000 to $27,000. It is more than IVF, however if you are willing to wait you are guaranteed to get a child. IVF has a 40% success rate of you getting pregnant, and you run the risk of paying for multiple cycles, so it could potentially even out or cost more, you never know.


Wow so long. But if anyone has any other questions feel free to jump in. I'm pretty open about everything.

the great paper chase

So we are officially rolling with our adoption process. Oh yes it is a process. The agency estimates it will take 4-6 months before we will be "waiting" parents. Well one month down, about 5 to go. So far we have filled out two applications, been to one information meeting. Signed and filled out different small forms. Turned in eight references, some of which have already had to do their part. Today we went to our orientation meeting and got our main paperwork (our very very large and intimidating application.... see pictures below). And next week we start our classes... eight weeks of them, including a variety of information, reading requirements, and questionnaires. After completing the training classes and the all the paperwork including physicals, pysch evals, fingerprinting, etc. We can begin our home study. It is all so exciting and scary at the same time. I'm so excited to be moving forward and so ready to become parents. But I am so scared about the process, and not being picked.


"Faith in God includes faith in His timing"- seemed like the perfect quote for this process.


Here is a picture of the very large packet we got today...

and here is me trying to get it all organized absolutely love post its :)....

My current babies...

 This is Deuce he is an English Bulldog. He is five years old. As you can tell he is the typical lazy bulldog. He may be big but he is so super sweet.

 Here is an attempt to get them to pose for a picture. Even though by big guy isn't looking and there are a lot of shadows, I still love it. 

I took this picture back in April and have not stopped laughing yet.....Oh my haha. My sweet, energetic boxer Layla has absolutely no coordination with catching things in her mouth. (Something her big brother is great at) She is two years old, and be warned she will lick you to death with her big ole tongue. 

Love these babies so much!

Something you may not understand.....

I got this for me, and I realize that there will be people who don't understand, and they don't have to.  But it makes me happy.

It is the birth stones of my due dates. 

Realize it's hard to read it says

"Forever in our hearts"

And the decision is.....

ADOPTION!!!! We are really excited about it. It is definitely a long process, and we have not really even started. We have chosen specifically domestic infant adoption. We just feel that this is the best choice for us at this time in our life. We were going to wait and tell people about it after approval from the homestudy process (I'm super worried about not being approved, for basically any/every reason ), however I was asking questions to someone going through the process via email, turns out I forgot to tell her we weren't telling people hahaha OPPS! So she began talking to me about it in front of a group of people. So secret is out. I'm still concerned we won't be approved, but have decided if the agency we choose doesn't approve us we will move on to a different option... maybe another agency, maybe do foster to adopt, maybe network and do private, who knows. So many options out there.
We already were approached about a possible "opportunity" only a week or two after deciding this. One of those friend of a friend of a friend kinda things. It didn't pan out, but I would have been shocked if it had. Even though it didnt work out (best for the kids involved) it did get me excited about all the possibilities.
Lots of praying to do, so that we find our baby. I know one is out there for us, who knows maybe two or three :).

Decisions, Decisions

Oh so much to think about, so much unknown. What to do, what to do?!?! I am actually very excited about all the options we have. I am happy to be moving forward in our journey to becoming parents. Our main choice is: in vitro vs adoption. Oh but so much more to think about, this is definitely the biggest decision we will ever have to make.  And everyone knows I'm indecisive haha. no pressure. We will be discussing this for quite some time and figuring out the best plan for us at this time in our lives. I have a feeling we will be using multiple methods to grow our family in the future. Right now I feel like so much anxiety has been lifted, I'm sure they are soon to be replaced by new worries and anxieties.
I wanted to ask the very few people that do read this to pray for us as we begin this part of our journey, that we make the right decisions and that we are able to become parents one way or another. Thanks!!!

Number four

I have been praying and begging for weeks that I would be able to share good news, but I never get to. Don't think I will ever get to.
I lost number four. It definitely gets harder every time. Every time I realize even more that it is less likely we will ever have a child on our own. Honestly I'm not sure I ever want to try again. We have already decided we will not be trying naturally anymore, and I plan on preventing as much as possible. There is not really much to say,  same ole same ole. Went for the 2nd U/S and baby measured 7wks, perfectly still, with no heartbeat.
I don't understand why this is my life.

unbelievable

I would like to know how people do the things they do?!?

A girl I graduated with was just arrested with two charges of 1st degree murder of her newborn twin baby boys. All over the news! Apparently  hid her pregnancy the whole time. Her father found a baby and called the police who then found the other one. She had gone to work like everything was normal.

There are no words. I will never understand.

goals

everyone says setting goals is a great thing, that you should set them and reach high.  but for me goals are only disappointments and heart breakers. as far as having babies goes anyway. multiple times i've made the mistake of making goals such as i want to have a kid before this or before i turn___. and each time it breaks my heart that i pass these mile markers still childless. it only makes it all the more depressing not to meet those "goals".... so the point, if you are venturing into the world of trying don't set goals or time limits for yourself just let it happen at its own pace, because frankly u dont have control anyway.
 i have passed all the goals i had set for myself, and acknowledge that. i actually feel relief now not worrying about time limits and different ages ive missed. right now we are relaxing and taking it one day at a time. it feels nice.

Grocery lists

I'm sitting here making my shopping list. Grocery shopping is one of my least favorite things. It seems like no matter what I do I always forget something. But as I am making the list I was thinking how wonderful it would be to make a life list and be able to pick those things up just as easily. It would be great to list the things you want out of your life and go to the store and pick it up. I suppose we all have this "life list" in our heads, and check off what we can, when we can. I often wonder which aisle I forgot to go down that I was suppose to, and what items I left off my list. Since I always forget things at the store, I know I'm forgetting things for my life list. I hope I get everything I need on my list and get it checked off to fulfill everything I should.

break time

it is  definitely  time for a break. it is much needed, and very relaxing. It's nice not to constantly be aware of what cycle day I'm on, when i may ovulate and am i working those days, is j working those days, do i need to sacrifice sleep just to maybe have a chance at having a baby, when can i take a test, could this month be be month, when would i be due, how old would i be when i have it.... for the time being, im just trying not to think about any of it, as of right now i am over the fact that i'm getting older everyday and still dont have a kid. I am one of those girls that has a ticking clock but it seems like ive figured out how to put the clock on hold for a little while, but im sure that clock will restart before i want it to. As for right now im am enjoying the relaxing break and focusing on the small things that make me happy. who knows how long i will be able to not pay attention to all the details of trying but i hope it will last for awhile because it feels great.

Who am I?

Acknowledging, understanding and accepting yourself is one of the hardest parts of life. Do you know how many times I ask myself "how do u feel about this?, why are you reacting this way?" Sometimes I have to step back and remind myself to ask these questions. I find myself feeling emotions and reacting in ways, even I don't understand. And just when I think I have myself figured out I change. What brought this post on? I was driving to work and realized my mascara was getting in my eye. Then I thought "When did I become a make up person?" I use to never wear make up to work, and  now I do almost all the time. Who knows why that changed. HA profound revelation I know but made me think about everything about me that has changed, and why. Why have I become the way I am, Why do I react to people differently than  I use to. Who am I now? and when did I become this me? The me that wears makeup, writes in a blog and works in a job I never thought I would.

Happy Days!!!

I have a new nephew! He is almost 3 weeks old now. Man, I just love babies!!! He is precious. He is my third nephew, here are some pictures of the three of them.

                       They are all so sweet, and I'm so happy

On a lighter, but still happy note, I got a new camera. I am very excited about it and hope to be taking post worthy pictures sometime soon ;).

a different kind of prayer

as a child we are taught how to pray.. you start with Dear God you end with In Jesus name,  Amen. you say things like.." God is great God is good let us thank Him for our Food."
or sing-"God of father, God our Father, once again, once again, we bow our heads and thank you, we bow our heads and thank you, Jesus name amen,  Jesus name amen."
 when you get a little older you are taught to thank Him for your blessings, pray for the sick, pray for the poor and those in need.  i quickly took what i was taught and did my best to pray how i thought i was suppose to. with the recent problems and struggles in my life, i have definitely thrown out those teachings. i developed a different kind of prayer. i dont talk to God as much as i should. i don't say all the right things.  i say what i'm thinking like i would to any friend, or anyone close to me. He knows what i'm thinking anyways why not say it. i'm suppose to have a close relationship with Him so i feel like i should be able to talk to him from my heart. i have told Him several times i'm mad at Him. i've told Him He is not being fair. how could He give me such a strong desire to the point it feels like a need and not fulfill it. let me say i know this is probably going to come off as harsh, ungrateful and disrespectful.and by saying this i dont mean to offend anyone. everyones relationship with God should be there own, and you should pray the way you feel is right. but for me right now, this is the only type of prayer i can manage.


How ironic that Sunday night at church the preacher talked about prayer. I had already started this blog and then that is what the sermon happened to be about. The preacher's 1st point was God hears our prayer,  I believe this and never thought otherwise. The 2nd point was God delivers us which I also believe, I think that is where my anger comes from. The fact that I know He could help is what makes me frustrated.  One scripture that stuck out to me during the lesson...


Romans 8:25-27 But if we hope for what we do not see, we eagerly wait for it with perseverance. Likewise the Spirit also helps in our weaknesses. For we do not know what we should pray for as we ought, but the Spirit Himself makes intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered. Now He who searches the hearts knows what the mind of the Spirit is, because He makes intercession for the saints according to the will of God. 

realizing your place

realizing my place in the world was not a good day for me. its realizing what you want doesn't matter. it just doesn't. i know that sounds incredibly depressing, however i believe it to be true. because no matter what i want or how bad i want it it's not up to me. it's not my decision. i can't will anything to happen. as much as we want to be and act like we are in control, we aren't and never will be. coming to terms with this is utterly humbling. sometimes i think- is God sure this is right, sometimes i ask Him- are you sure. i feel like it is so wrong. but He decides. even if it's not my decisions and feels like punishment. this is one of the struggles with Christianity i am facing right now. this is a big hurdle. i know i need to be submissive and just give in to His plan, but i struggle with it. i want my ideas and my plans to be the right ones because of course i think i am right. i realize that whether i'm submissive or not really doesn't matter, He is still in control. I just have trouble letting go and giving in. sometimes i feel like i'm fighting Him, like we are working against each other. I really need to find the strength to let go and give to God
i think everyone goes through this at some point or another, but maybe not. you don't really hear people talking about it. but i do wonder if every Christian has struggled with this issue or will in the future. its seems no matter the subject or desire as a Christian you could have this struggle

The options...

Immediately after learning our problem, I wanted to know statistics for everything: having a child naturally, chances of an abnormal child, what would be wrong with the child. The genetic counselor couldn't give me the answers as exactly as I wanted them. She instead said she would send our information to a genetic counselor in NYC that specializes in statistics and get back with me. 

I'm a logical person and looking at our odds I was figuring a 50/50 chance of naturally having a healthy pregnancy. Meaning 50% of the time I would miscarry or have an abnormal child. I did not like the odds I was laying out for myself, but I am not a geneticist. After a week or so wait she called to give me actual statistics, she had received from the NYC geneticist. It was said we have a 60ish% chance of conceiving naturally. And only a 1% chance of carrying an abnormal pregnancy to term and still no answers as to what would be wrong with the child. They believe I will miscarry almost every time if the baby is abnormal. So the four options they gave us are:
1) Naturally--which just means we keep trying and we are bound to have multiple miscarriages along the way.
2) egg/sperm donation- to eliminate the chromosome translocation.- neither of us like this idea, we think our babies should be both ours or neither our ours, and we eliminated this option immediately.
3) IVF(in vitro fertilization)- this would benefit us because they would perform PGD(preimplantation genetic diagnosis) on our embryos before implanting, and only implant the embryos with normal chromosomes.
4)Adoption
I  will discuss IVF and adoption more in depth later. 

what to say, what to say

I feel when poor innocent people ask me a simple question, such as "do you want kids?" They open a whole can of worms and a long conversation they didn't know they were in for. I'm very honest and mostly completely open about my situation and if people ask, I answer. So this is for anyone who has ever asked me, or someone else in a similar situation and found themselves lost as to what to say.
I don't expect you to say anything. I definitely don't expect you to know what to say, and that is perfectly ok. If you don't know what to say, don't just say the first thing you think, silence is not the enemy here. Let me say that all of these things have not been said to me but I have visited this issue often and feel it is an issue for many women going through infertility or miscarriage, and this is the advice I do give....
1)don't try to justify it or downplay it.
Examples: you are still young, you have plenty of time, at least you don't have any trouble getting pregnant, enjoy your time without children, once you have children you are trapped, you can go out or go on vacation whenever you want, etc.
2) don't deny it was a baby= no matter how long someone was pregnant it was there baby, even if they only knew about it for a day or a few hours
3) don't say the reasons you have made up for the situation....
Examples: it's just not your time, now you have time to do _____,

Some of these suggestions may not make any sense to you, but when the only thing you want, dream of and desire for is to have a child, no justification or positive spin on the situation is comforting, and can feel like your dream is being pushed aside, or not taken seriously.

so what to say.....
Say something simple and from the heart: "I'm sorry you are going through this." " I'm sorry you are in this situation. "
And if you are brave you can say.. "If you ever want to talk about it I'm here"... but know if you can handle what's coming if they choose to talk to you, emotions will be strong.

The results

Here is the problem we are dealing with.... It's called chromosomal translocation.
After the D&C,  I was called in to hear the results from my RE. She was happy, she said we had done everything we possibly could for the pregnancy and it was nothing we missed or could have done. She reported to me that the baby had a chromosome abnormality. She then informed me he was a boy. I felt myself smile. I know that sounds strange but it was the fact that the week before I lost him I told J I thought it was a boy. I don't know why I felt that way and I didn't have any feelings with the two previous babies. However knowing that I have some kind of motherly instinct gave me great comfort and even pleasure. The RE then suggested that J and I be tested for any genetic abnormalities. I knew that chromosomal anomalies is what the majority of early miscarriages are attributed to, and did not expect either of us to have a problem with this. A week later we in the genetic counselor's office getting the results of the testing. She informed us one of us has a chromosomal translocation, and begin to explain what that meant. I honestly was extremely surprised by this, out of all the possibilities I had thought could be the cause of our problem this was not it. She explained that many couples choose not to know who the carrier is so that no one is blamed. We both knew this was no ones fault and did choose to learn who the carrier is, because to some extent it can effect the options you have.
As basic as I can explain translocation, it is where the person has the correct number of chromosomes, they are just not in the correct place. If you are interested in more information there are a ton of websites that discuss it and ours is balanced. This doesn't mean we can't have children, it just means it will be more of a challenge for us.

my thoughts in words..

I have a fellow friend going through fertility issues as well. She was the first person I felt comfortable enough to show my blog to, and one I talk to frequently. Anything I've felt or thought, she has to, and it is great to have someone like this to share with. I was trying to figure out why I started my blog and why I choose to write about such personal things. I felt like it was the only thing for me to write about, yet didn't have the guts to show anyone. I feel like it takes a lot of courage to share everything because it makes you very vulnerable. She summed up a lot of my reasons when she said:

"I dont need or want your sympathy, I just want you to understand"

This is such a true statement. And as much as I want to share this with people who are close to me, I have not found the courage yet. I have slowly been letting people in one at a time, and every time it gets a bit easier.

and it keeps coming...

I work nights, so I sleep during the day. Tuesday March 15th around 230pm I was aroused by my phone ringing. I looked and saw it was my mom and thought "I'm not ready to get up I'll call her back." As soon as it stopped ringing it started again, immediately my heart began to race, she never calls back to back. I answer to hear my mother, in a fairly calm voice telling me my grandmother had been in a wreck and was on the way to the hospital. I just said which one, she answered and I said I'm coming. I jump out of bed and immediately the worst thoughts come to my head, I could feel the adrenaline in my body and felt like I needed to get there as soon as possible. My thoughts only turned worse when my mom called back to say she was going to a different hospital. This let me know she was a level one trauma. I got to the hospital to find my entire family already in the waiting room of the ED. I was told we weren't allowed to see her because she was going straight to surgery. I didn't know what was wrong at this time. I learned that her major injury was her right leg and they were doing scans to see if there was internal injuries that needed to be addressed. They allowed us to visit two at a time. When I went back her leg was exposed as the doctors were looking at it and placing a new dressing. I don't want to describe it on here I'll simple state it was bad. Shortly we were told all her scans came back ok and they said "there are no life threatening injuries." The following two days she had two surgeries. The first was to have a rod placed from her knee to her ankle. The second was plastic surgery who did a flap and a skin graft to replace missing tissue. We are so blessed to still have her with us. You would be amazed if u saw her van that anyone had survived. (I will try to post pictures.) She was almost home when she tried to dodge a dog in the road and lost control. She hit a guardrail. The guardrail came in through the headlight on her side and went out the back passenger window. It had barely turned in time to miss her. It took nearly an hr to cut her out of the car.

Want to be amazingly disappointed?!? She was alert after the wreck, she saw the car was smoking and knew she was trapped. She sat there believing her car was going to catch fire and she would not be able to do anything. As these thoughts are going through her head she watched as not one but two cars drove by without stopping to help. I am constantly amazed by people in the worst ways.

As I write this I'm taking my turn staying the night with her. She is doing fairly well, it has been one week exactly. Of course she is in pain. But this morning the doctors came around to say that physical therapy would try to get her up today. This is the 1st time since the wreck, because plastic surgery just released her to do so yesterday. The dr also stated that she possibly may be able to go home tomorrow depending on how today goes.

I know I have an amazing family, but at times like this you can really see how true it is. For a week straight, my grandmother has never been alone. I absolutely love my family.

BB

BB stands for a baby boy. Our third baby was a boy. A few months after we lost bean and after much discussion we decided to undergo fertility testing. The appt. was set for 8/12/10. On July 30th 2010 we got our third BFP. I was happy, but instantly regretted not waiting until after we had done testing. I called the reproductive endocrinologist(RE) and right away she started blood work and moved the dr appt up to that week. The RE was wonderful and started following me very close and testing me for things that could cause early losses. I was 1st diagnosed with hypothyroidism. I was not happy about taking medicine the rest of my life, but thought maybe this is the problem and I'll get to keep this baby. Since I wanted to believe that was the only issue I started having guilt for not finding out earlier because maybe it would have prevented me from having lost peanut and bean. Anyhow, I started taking my meds and was feeling good about this pregnancy. I had my 1st ultrasound at 5 wks and saw what was expected, not much. I went for my 2nd ultrasound at around 6 weeks, I could not have been more nervous, and for the first and only time I saw a heartbeat. It was a perfect little flicker on the screen. I felt immediate relief at that moment but only hours later the anxiety came back. I knew that peanut probably had a heartbeat at some point. I just had not seen it. We waited a little less than two weeks for the next ultrasound. At this point I had lost the confidence and hope I had in the pregnancy. I don't know how but there were two things I felt like I knew one it was a boy and two I had lost him. I told J these two feelings I had, and have never been more sad about being right. Again the ultrasound room proved to be a terrifying and unforgettable experience as I stared at the screen looking for a heartbeat that was there just two weeks before. It had stopped not long after I had gotten to see it based on the size of BB. The RE talked me into a D&C for further testing, even though it wasn't what I wanted, I was willing to try anything for answers. So on 9/2/10 baby boy was taken from my body.

Bean

Bean. After peanut, there was nothing more I desired than to have a baby I could hold and kiss and carry in my arms. I decided it was time to start really learning my body and I began fertility charting to figure out when I ovulate. I didn't want to be forcing anything, I just felt like this was knowledge I should have as a woman. And only a few months after loosing peanut, we got our 2nd BFP on 3/17/10. This pregnancy while exciting, mostly just brought fear. To be honest I don't recall much about bean. I only knew he exsisted 10 days before I lost him at 6wks. This was quite a different experience from peanut. I began bleeding at home  and knew instantly bean was gone. I wanted to be wrong so I called the dr and was asked to come in for an U/S. I still had some hope as we were walking in the building until I went to the bathroom and lost what little hope I had. They did proceed with the ultrasound even though I knew it was a lost cause. This U/S the tech turned the screen so I couldn't see it. I doubt I would have been able to see through my watery eyes, but I often wonder what it looked like. I laid there with J standing beside me trying to comfort me for several minutes. I swear time stands still in U/S rooms. The tech hadn't said a word but finally said I'll be right back. So I got up and put my clothes back on the tech came back in with a dr. The dr wanted to look. She and the tech stood staring at the screen pointing and whispering, to this day I wonder what they were discussing, what they saw. After they felt like they had seen every inch the dr said something along the lines of... there is a lot of movement we will have to wait and see. Even though this is how she said it I did not get any hope, there was no waiting and seeing for me, I knew my 2nd baby was gone.

the unknown mom

For those of you that don't know, I am a mom. I have three beautiful angel babies out there that I never got to meet. They lived in me for a short period of time, and I enjoyed the time I had with them as short and as worrisome as it may have been.  My babies do not have names. It just never felt right to us to name them. I will refer to them as peanut, bean and bb. Here is the story of our 1st baby:

Peanut was conceived while we were not actively trying but not preventing.  When I woke up Christmas morning '09 to a BFP(big fat positive), I thought we were getting the best Christmas present anyone could ever ask for. I opted not to tell anyone and got J to agree because I was scared of losing it. I finally made it to 8wks and was completely scared and excited to go in for an ultrasound and the 1st dr appt.  I had not talked to J about what was expected at this ultrasound or appt., I feel like I just had too many thoughts going on in my head, but I completely regret this now. After a short wait I was in a gown and ready for the ultrasound. The tech began, and I couldn't take my eyes off the screen. I was waiting and searching for the heartbeat I so desired to see, but it wasn't there. I thought maybe just maybe I just don't know what I'm looking at. I glanced at the tech's face and saw it in her eyes, I did know what I was looking at. I was looking at a small baby whose heart was no longer beating. My eyes starting tearing and I couldn't bare looking at J. He had stepped back and sat down on a bench in the corner of the room. Later he told me he didn't know what was wrong but he knew based on both the tech and my faces that it was not good. After what seemed like the longest seconds of my life the tech simply stated "I'm not seeing a heartbeat." At which point I nodded to let her know I understood and began sobbing. I wanted to end the pregnancy naturally, but peanut dug in deep. Two weeks later, I unfortunately had to induce using medication because we were going out of the country. You wouldn't think that inducing so early could create as much physical pain as I felt emotionally, but it did. I had constant cramps/contractions for 4-6hrs. I know eight weeks is a short time, but for those eight weeks not 10minutes passed by without me thinking about my baby. That will always be my 1st baby, and I cherish the time I did get.
 

1st blog ever!!!

This is my 1st blog, my 1st attempt at writing, 1st everything. Please bare with me. I am starting to blog for me to release thoughts and don't expect anyone to read it. But just in case someone is, here is a little starting point of info about me:
Im in my 20s. 
I have been married to my husband, J for 3.5yrs. 
I am a nurse.
 J is a police officer. We met in high school. 
We have two furr babies, a bulldog named Deuce and a Boxer named Layla. I am sure they will create and appear in some blogs.
 I have an AMAZING family (mine and J's), and could not ask for more. 
We have hit a few bumps in the road of life lately, dealing with some fertility issues.
 I do believe in God. 
About six months ago I made a big change in jobs and it was scary, but proving to be a great decision. 
I suppose this is enough of an intro, the next post will be more in depth.